I don’t make it a regular habit of going to Walgreens.
There’s no reason.
I think Walgreens is only necessary if you need to grab something quickly before you leave town or you need to pick up a prescription. And for me, to buy licorice.
For some reason I can’t walk out of that place without licorice.
The things I’ve been a witness to for the sake of licorice–it haunts me.
One particular night, I was walking towards my car that was parked next to a man who yelled out, “Hey, can someone blow in my breathalyzer for me?”
Looks like this boozer has a little past and current problem with drinking and driving.
You hear a lot of propositions at this particular Walgreens at 39th and Broadway. What’s surprising this time is not the request, but the desired result.
I tried to hurry to my car but to him, it looked like I was eager to help.
There were no words between us but as I approached my car he looked me in the eye, smiled widely and moved a little to allow room for me to approach the driver’s seat.
I paused briefly.
Gross.
What about me makes him think I would help him? Did he see the licorice and Pringle’s through my bag and immediately think I am a partying-let-me-put-my-mouth-on-that-disgusting-breathalyzer-kind-of-gal?
I had glasses on, a sweater and comfortable shoes. I mean, even on my worst days, I hope to not come across as a buck-the-system-stick-it-to-the-man-kind of person.
In the second that I stood in the parking lot contemplating this, a little line seemed to form behind my car.
One guy said he would for a few bucks.
Pass.
Boozer’s done this before. He knows he can get someone to do it for free.
The next guy did it for a high-five.
The Sober Samaritan approached Boozer like he’s been waiting for this his whole life.
And he was familiar with the procedure.
He blew, the truck started and the Sober Samaritan thrust a huge fist in the air and yelled, “Kick Ass!!”
I got in my car and I imagined how both of them were going to brag about it on Facebook.
Inside the store is where the real freak flag flies though. I try to hold my own but it’s tough in there.
Once when I was standing in line to check out, a sweaty-leathery guy walked right in front of me and plopped down a case of water for the cashier to ring up.
“What the hell? You just cut right in front of me!!”
“If you had ten thirsty men waiting on you for cold water, you would too.”
I would? I looked down at my licorice.
He doesn’t know, maybe I had ten hungry men waiting on licorice.
Ass.
He paid for the water and started to walk away. My only come back, “It’s not even going to be cold.”
Good one. That’ll teach him.
The next time I was in the store I grabbed a cart and headed to the back. There, in my path, I encountered a security guard, a store manager, one of those yellow “caution wet floor” signs–typically used to warn you of water.
On this day, at my neighborhood Walgreens, it served as a poop warning.
Yes. Poop.
Now, before you try to justify this and say it had to be an animal, it wasn’t. I’m not an expert in this area but it wasn’t and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
But, there it sat, right there, at the end of the health and beauty isle.
Now, I don’t mean to get picky here but, did they really have to do it there? I mean, there’s probably not a public restroom but there is an adult diaper isle. Could they have done it there? If I stumbled upon it there, I might of even been a little sympathetic ”Oh, no, poor thing, bless their heart” and moved on. Or how about around where they used to develop the film? No one uses that area anymore.
But they chose a stop in the direct line from the front door. It made me wonder. If I would have left the house earlier, drove a little faster, would I have seen this happen when I walked in?
I mean, I do have some experience when it comes to catching people doing this sort of thing. Public urination is a frequent occurrence on my street.
Cab drivers are the worst. They pull over in the middle of the block. If I’m outside, I cough loudly or pretend to call for my dog just to watch them try to hurry it up a little bit and get back in their car.
If they have the nerve to park across the street in front of my house, I stand on my porch and have a conversation with them.
“Hello! Nice day, huh? A little windy though. Glad we got some rain. Where are you from?”
They never answer. They finish and pretend they weren’t peeing. One guy even walked around his car and kicked his tires like he stopped to check a flat.
I taunted him.
“I know you don’t have a problem with your tires. Don’t bother walking around kicking each one. You have a public urination problem, not a tire problem.”
It’s an effective tactic to discourage repeat offenders.
Anyway, back to Human Wastegreens.
The poop is still there.
Store manager, poop with caution sign over it, security guard, all standing in a line.
OK, so we have the manager to take charge of the situation, the security guard to protect it, the sign to alert us but no one to pick it up!
Why was the poop still sitting there?
As I observed the scene I pictured the Walgreens employees handbook
In case of a poop emergency:
- place yellow ‘caution wet floor’ thing over poop as to provide a temporary shelter for it
- store manager should stand to the right of the poop
- alert security guard and instruct him to stand to the left of poop
- that is all
“Is someone going to pick it up?” I said to two adult men who were apparently incapable of cleaning.
“In a minute.”
I looked for a TV because I felt like a wife asking her husband to take out the trash.
A minute?
That’s how long it should take to fix the situation.
Poop? Sixty seconds later, no sign of poop.
This whole thing really put a damper on the licorice consumption that day. But thankfully, slowly I’ve been able to get back to normal.
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Tags: Kansas City, Walgreens
